neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
