Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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