he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
