Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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