well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
