At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
