i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Randomize
