Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
...so i touched it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
