They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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