I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
