he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
