I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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