Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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