Nicole vs. Life
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
