May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
