:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
