what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
