we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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