ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
