Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
