Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
