My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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