it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
