I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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