Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
