the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Terrible idea I love it
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
