When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sext me about skeletons
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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