he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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