Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
