I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
