Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I wish i was in the wii world.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
