my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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