he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
