mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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