We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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