u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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