the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
