i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
