Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
