dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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