you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
