Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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