I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
