Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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