If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
