what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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