i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
