Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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