Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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