two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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