I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
