he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
