You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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