Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
This is classic penis vs brain.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
