i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have aggressive nipples.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
