hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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