This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
