I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
