1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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