I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
