Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Randomize
