i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize