you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
